One of the more bizarre and reality/fantasy blurring shows started last weekend on MTV3. Steven Seagal: Lawman is broadcast late at night – about one o’clock Saturday morning to be specific – indicating that the audience for this show is expected to be drunks returning from the pub, student stoners, and chronic insomniacs. For everyone else, be happy if you have a digibox capable of recording.

We all know Seagal (occupations on Wikipedia: actor, film producer, martial artist, musician, deputy sheriff, writer) of Under Siege, Out for Justice and Above the Law fame, right? Or maybe it’s only those of us who were growing up in the late-80s and early-90s who fondly remember his cinematic output, distinguished by some kick-ass martial art moves and an endearing, if unfashionable, love for ponytails. What you might not have realised is that for twenty years he’s been a cop in Hicksville, Louisiana. His movie star waning, making a reality show about this aspect of his life must have seemed the obvious next step.

Stevie has definitely piled on the pounds since 1988, although since every one of his fellow cops is also middle-aged and pudgy he’s not particularly out of place. He and his crew roll around the projects in a couple of beefy SUVs, visibly hoping they won’t have to get out of their cars and do some running. In one scene a suspect legs it and is only captured when he fails to leap over a high fence, Seagal et al puffing along behind him. “You’re...*gasp*...under...*wheeze*...arrest!” they say. The places they patrol look genuinely scary, and you wouldn’t catch me out there with a squad of US Marines backing me up, so kudos I guess for that. It’s a dirty job, etc.

Like all police officers, Seagal likes sounding important and clever, and so says things like, “there are things it’s important to be cognisant of,” instead of “this is stuff we want to know about”; or “the perpetrator displaced a silver semi-automatic firearm vertically prior to his apprehension” instead of “he dropped a gun”. If you can’t read the Finnish text then keep a Thesaurus handy. The funniest parts of the shows are when people recognise him and start wondering if they should ask him for his autograph. At a bar one young guy is drunk and annoying, so the lawmen show up and move him along. The bar’s owners are grateful. But wait...don’t they recognise him? Yes! It’s Steven Seagal! “Can I shake your hand, sir? Oh my, that’s a big hand!” Seagal looks unimpressed, so they pile into their SUVs and head off. “Where did Mr. Seagal go, I want to say goodbye?” asks one citizen. That’s Officer Seagal to you, lady. And he don’t pose for no goddamn pictures.

I actually like Seagal in this show. He seems to genuinely think he’s doing something useful for a start. Being a 7th-dan black belt in Aikido he’s also a bit of a hero in that respect, and as he points out, Aikido being the way of harmony and all, what he’s really trying to do is bring some harmony and peace to these troubled neighbourhoods. I suspect it’ll take more than his one man crusade to do so, but in the meantime it makes for some quite entertaining telly. He mentors one copper who’s going for his firearms test. Advice: “The ancient samurai archers didn’t pull the bow, they pushed the arrow. Do the same with the bullet. Be Zen.” Be Zen. Be Zen. Be. Zen. Be.

Sound advice, I’m sure you’ll agree.

NICK BARLOW