As I sit by my computer in the darkened grave I call my office, outside I can hear the birds twittering as they frolic in the sunshine, enjoying the golden rays from the heavens warming their very souls. Which is very nice for them and everything, but for me it’s just a painful reminder of the futility of a TV ‘reviewer’ attempting and failing to eke out a living in the summer. Why? Because there is nothing on. Nish. Nada. Not a jot. Bugger all, to use the vernacular.

Obviously when I say ‘nothing on’ I mean nothing on worth watching. There’s plenty on, it’s just all boring, predictable filler. Perchance telly company execs figure that in the summer, weather permitting, everyone’s outdoors. This might on occasion be true, but let me tell you if last summer is anything to go by – involving as it did enough rain to hydrate the Sahara – we’re all going to be bored to tears, or at least I am, but then I’m not much of a fan of Australian interior decoration shows from 2002, thanks all the same.

No, the TV schedules over the next few months appear as a veritable audio visual wasteland. Commercial channels import one kerrazy game show like Wipeout USA (Sundays, Nelonen), and then import exactly the same show again, just from another country. That’s how come we can see Wipeout Australia at the end of July and through August; having said that if you’re gonna milk any one game show franchise this is a pretty good one, especially after a bottle or five of wine.

If you haven’t seen it it’s an hour long show where 24 contestants have to negotiate two obstacle courses in the hope of winning 50,000 dollars. The design of the courses is exemplary in that when the participants ‘wipeout’ – and they all do – they look absolutely blooming hilarious. The one where they have to run over some massive bouncy balls to a platform on the other side of a swimming pool is the best one. Or the revolving bar that they have to jump over as it moves successively higher. They all involve water and potential bodily harm anyway. Even the commentators are surprisingly witty.

However, the fact that I think Wipeout is one of the best shows on the box merely indicates the paucity of the rest of the competitors, or alternatively a severe lowering of standards on my part. The end of the summer isn’t looking much better as MTV3 are gearing up to promote their latest boring imported sitcom. Cougar Town, or Puumanainen (“Puma Woman”?) in Finnish, starts in August. It stars Monica Geller from Friends as a divorced woman who immerses herself in a dating scene filled with younger men and ‘explores the truth about dating and aging’. That’s what it says on Wikipedia anyway, but I haven’t seen it and frankly I don’t want to either, because it sounds horrific.

So, my advice for the summer at the moment is pray for sunshine, hope it never ends, don’t watch telly, go and do something more interesting instead. If it’s raining then get a hobby, leave the country or if desperate watch Wipeout. Happy holidays!

Nick Barlow